so your second favourite drive-in fiend spent a little time in the great lone star state recently. man alive it's gotten kinda hard to leave the heat, the meat, the friends and felines so i'm looking to make an extended stay there happen relatively soon.
i know youve all got the same question for me about this move. ain't it about time? how long have you been yammering about moving to Texas? to be fair i have been on the fence about it a long long time but then i found out they have hockey leagues outside of Austin and the deal as they say, was sealed. if you add that i'll be able to play hockey in a climate controlled indoor facility to the fact that Texas has the best BBQ and sweet tea in all the country, throw in the Terror Thursdays at the Alamo Drafthouse, mix in that some great friends with great cats residing there already, divide it all by me being able to handpick a monthly feature at the Kitti City Courtyard Drive-In my darn self, multiply that with some Big Red soda and it all equates to me now not knowing what i'm even talking about. i'm going to Texas! home of Buddy Holly, Joe Bob Briggs, Lance and the most drive-in locations of any state in the union.
the only problem i can foresee is plumping up like a ballpark frank in a brick oven. it's hard not to stuff your face every waking hour with all the food down there. i have a BBQ problem and i realise it but at the same time i have no dang intentions of trying to curb it. im gonna keep this part quick and say i am NOT a slob but this is what i remember ingesting during my recent 3 day stay in Austin.
1 1/2lb. barbecue burger w/fries covered in sauce
1 32oz coke
3 bottles Big Red soda
1 caesar salad (i got derailed here a bit)
1 deep dish bowl of the homemade holy guacamole
3 bottles Topo Chico
1 bottle some kinda meskin malt liquor (only bit of booze i had, just can't party no more)
1 plate Bill Miller famous BBQ (includes brisket, sausage, slaw, potato salad and beans)
approx 2 gallons of sweet tea
3 plates Salt Lick BBQ (includes brisket, sausage, ribs, slaw, potato salad, beans and cobbler)
3 buttered rolls
1 grilled Bison steak
1 grilled ear of corn
1 can Coke
1/2 rootbeer float from Amy's gender bent ice cream hut
multiple grilled asparagus tips (wait what!?)
4 bowls granola (ok things are going awry)
1 garden salad
1 choco mint lunabar (now i ate this in Houston during a layover and since it was actually delicious you can say what you want)
man i think i just suffered a phantom heart attack writing all that down. see what i mean though? i get down there for any amount of real time and it's exploding pants city! you see a mushroom cloud on the horizon this fall rest assured it was only me trying to put down one more slice of brisket at Bill Millers famous BBQ
friends lets talk Tourist Trap. what we get here is some decent teen tenderloins making stupid decisions and NOT living to regret them. nothing wrong with that! the drive-ins thrived off this kinda movie for years. i hand picked this to be shown at the Kitti City Courtyard Drive-In myself and the masses were more than pleased. it was a bit rough going at first because of some projector issues, you see our normal projector man Travis was unable to helm this one because of some imperial entanglements if you know what i mean and i think you don't. he had to work folks, on a sunday nite no less. i mean we couldnt hold it against him cause he'd already broken the Texas sabbath by declining to eat Salt Lick BBQ with us earlier in the day so hey Trav may as well go all out and friggin' work too! i kid Travis, he's got what we'd all call a "real job" that i ain't even gonna go into cause half of you would probably shoot me for associating with the cat but trust me he's a good dude. Feather Mac did a good job with the projection in his stead and we got Tourist Trap a' rollin.
we start out with some Fonzarelli lookalike dude and a trio of tube topped trollops breaking down (of course) and having none other the Chuck "Rifleman" Connors come to their aid. you all know Chuck, or maybe you don't, as the poor mans Jack Palance. now if youre saying to yourself "wait who's Jack Palance" then excuse me while i politely bury the business end of a claw hammer into your forehead! Jack Palance for all you ignoramuses is the old creepy guy from the City Slickers movies. "oh yeaaaaahhhhh, him? oh hi Cris what are you doing with that...OWWWWWW!!!" ok enough fooling about. Chuck plays kind old Mr. Slausen, the proprietor of the Lost Oasis Roadside Attraction. now right off the bat we get the feeling that Slausens tea kettle ain't on the right burner. he tells Fonz and his bimbos he's miffed about the new highway that done stole all his customers. "everyone's in a damn hurry these days! do you know why that is? 'no' yeah, me neither!" he also shows them his creeptacular menagerie of all too lifelike mannequins (now if theres anything freakier then some half hinged whackadoo shut in wearing dungaree overalls who has a collection of mannequins? you all let me know). finally Slausen warns the group to stay away from his house on the hill cause thats where his brother Davey lives and Davey is "troubled". wouldnt you just know it that when Slausen and the Fonz leave to try and fix the kids car that soon to be dead bimbo No.1 decides to disregard his kind warning and go snooping around the house that she was told two minutes before hand to stay away from. this is when we get to meet kind and playful Davey and folks i'll tell you that if his first on screen appearance isnt frightening enough to make you fire a kitten out of your cornhole then you may not have a pulse. remember when i asked what was more scary than a half hinged shut in wearing overalls who has a collection of mannequins? if you answered, his twin freakout brother Davey who wears scare you stupid Elvis/women masks, talks in a spooky voice and can control said mannequin collection and various sharp objects to make them do his murderous bidding with telekinesis? then you get the chicken dinner. Davey is a two legged nightmare and he has an odd little hang up about ensnaring wayward travelers, scaring the bejabbers out of them and then having these little parties where he ties them up and covers their faces in Bisquick instant pancake mix until their hearts go all Pop Rocks and then he can turn their dead bodies into those oh so real mannequins we see all over the Lost Oasis Roadside Attraction. good stuff here! this thing starts out as campy as anything you'll ever see but i'll be dipped in the stink and shot for smelling if this movie doesnt get under your skin and serve you some bad dreams for dessert afterwards. the Davey character alone is enough to make you think twice when you wake up and see a jacket hanging in your closet that just doesnt look quite like its just a jacket hanging in your closet. we bend the needle on the freak-meter with the mannequins, screaming wooden heads, knives in necks, axes through shoulders, arms torn off, making dead bimbos into mannequins how-to lessons, and a great scene where our final girl thinks shes put down Davey with some double barrel shotgun action. oh theres also a decent twist before twists were obligatory in these kinda movies being this was lensed in '78. if you like the original Texas Chainsaw, and you darn well better cause i know where i left that hammer then check out Tourist Trap. **1/2 close to *** from me.
no trailer, but creepdog Davey gets busy with the Bisquick pancake facin' while sporting his favourite Love Me Tender mask in this heartwarming scene.
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