it's disconcerting that here we are on our fifth review of the summer and we still have yet to go on location to the actual drive-in. The Delsea is still stinkin' and the Diamond State is still reekin'. And now we got another of those damn cutesy animal doing extreme sports turdfest films on the way. i wish i were kidding friends but you can bet your economic stimuli dough that Kung Fu Panda is gonna grace our beloved outdoor screens that were once reserved for hack and wack slashers and criminal crackin', do it yourself vigillantes. Kung Fu Panda? suddenly my idea of an animated film featuring a deejay hippo sounds as though it could go someplace. i hate to say it but i think Indy 4 is gonna end up being the first worthwhile film at the drive-in this season and that still is more an indoor blockbuster biggie that even further still doesnt come out til Memorial Day!! man, by mid-May in the good ol'days at least 895 teens had suffered on screen deaths due to someone leaving a pick axe or a tent stake laying around too long.
i'm actually going on location before too long to the great state of Texas where the drive-in is still only a threatened and not yet endangered species. hopefully the folks down in los state of uno star, which once boasted more drive-in locales than any other state, will be projecting something crass and violent up on at least one of the big boys. if not, then my friends/the indigenous population of Austin's Kitty City Courtyard Drive-In have no problem making a great go of it. my last time out there during SXSW we had about 35lbs of BBQ going while simultaneously watching a double feature of Massacre at Central High and Spies Like Us. outdoors and up on a DYI bigscreen. the Gods were smilin'!
so honestly, how did i get this far with these blogs with doing a Charles Bronson picture? Who doesnt love the guy right? You look up "ass-kicker: n-" in the dictionary and the mans arm comes out of the damn book and pistol whips you! Chuck will always be best known for the 52 movies where he'd play an urban everyman that gets pushed a little to far and before too long is killing every mugger, rapist, druggie, pusher, and mime within city limits. seriously now, Chuck would blow you away just for playing your boombox too loud or having a bad hairstyle. when he took guff, he gave out lead sandwiches and that's the way it was. but before he was the street sweepin', punk smashin', car crashin' bring 'em all on vigillante hero type, Bronson was a staple in some of the greatest western and war films of all time. in The White Buffalo he takes a break from keeping the subways safe and returns to the western genre.
Chuck takes a turn as western legend Wild Bill Hickock in this one and he is being driven mad by dreams of a deadly white buffalo. its seems that its become so common place for Bill to wake up in a cold sweat with Colts blazing from these terrible nitemares that he fears theyre slowly loosening his grip on sanity. he's made up his mind that he's going to once and for all track this albino beast down and turn him into buff burgers. Bill rolls into Cheyenne first and gets ambushed by some of General Custers men. Bill kills the hell out of all of them in about 8 seconds flat. it's almost like once these men saw that Charles Bronson was playing Bill they just knew it was marble hat time.
meanwhile Chief Crazyhorse's village is reduced to debris by our titular monster. during the monster mash Crazyhorse's child gets turned into corn beef hash courtesy of the white demons' hooves. afterwards an elder tribesman tells Crazy that he needs to stop "weaping like a young woman" and slay this evil white buffalo because if he does not his dead child's soul will only know torment and never be at peace on the "other side". Chief Mad Old also takes away Crazy's name and hangs "Worm" on him until he can exact his revenge. chilling stuff.
while this is being set up, Bill meets up with his old buddy Charlie Zane and manages to kill another dozen or so people because they "use their mouths for breakin' wind" . there is a lot of outlaw old west slang in this movie folks and all of it is pretty darn amusing and i've the feeling mostly authentic. examples: "hanging a wooden suit" on someone means killing them. a dead hooker is now "walking streets glory" because "blue whistler got her in the third eye", meaning an indian shot her in the ass. brave men are "all sand" and so forth. this movie is worth watching just for dialogue alone.
Bill and Charlie leave town on the hunt for the white spike and no sooner do they cross paths with Crazyhorse. against Charlies wishes because he's kinda an indian hating bigot, Bill defends Crazy when he's out gunned by some war whooping Crow indians. after they kill another 15 guys together they form a shakey alliance and both go on the hunt for the white buff. so then they have to kill a few more people and when the body count hits around 45 the white buffalo finally shows up to kill some horses, pee on some rocks, nearly start an avalanche, and test the mettle of Bill and Crazy's friendship. there's a standout scene in this movie that for all the films' hokeyness and it kinda being a western spin on Jaws, nearly induces tears. it's when Wild Bill explains to Crazy around a campfire meal that the indians are going to have to bend to the will of the ever expanding white nation or suffer fate at the hands of their armies. Bronson shines here and Will Sampson who plays Crazyhorse fully conveys the notion he knows this truth but despises believing it without saying a single word. Phew! we got a little serious there. back to the action. big bad buff comes in charging for a showdown in final reel and if you can look past the effect of the buffalo being a little too mechanized and being moved on a rail track, you're in for a treat. i've probably watched this movie 20 times over since first seeing it on TV one nite with my brother when i was about 7 years. you should at least see it once. old west slang, indian stomping, a star studded cast, buffalo rodeo riding, gratuitous Jack Warden as the white maned Charlie Zane, and award nominations for both Bronson and Sampson. ***. give'er a look ya sway backed shad bellies!!
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