there arent a lot of you out there that have been to the Delsea with me. it's a short list of friends who actually own cars that i could badger into driving an hour outside of Philadelphia to enjoy some fine outdoor entertainment. the actual movies are sometimes incidental especially since they dont make good goddamn drive-in movies anymore but it's the experience friends. sitting in your own car doing whatever you want, i mean WHATEVER you want, with no people yammering, mobile phones blasting Gwen Stefani ringtones or some 60lb. punk kicking the back of your seat and making you wanna turn his head into Mott's applesauce.
for those of you that have gone with me i wanna remind you and tell everyone else about Froggy. Froggy is a ticket booth worker at the Delsea. normal looking kid of i'm guessing round 20-22 years. im not sure of Froggy's actual christian name but it doesnt matter cause when this cat opens his mouth and starts telling you what station to tune your FM to..., im telling you this kid has a voice on him that makes Lawrence Tierney's voice sound like a slice of chocolate mousse laid on a black silk pillow. i mean Froggy must eat Grape Nuts dry and then wash it down with a broken glass and gravel malt shake before cutting the ends off of a pack of Pal Mals and smoking all twenty in a single shot. it's alarming but when this coffin dodger voice comes out of this kids body you'd like to think the poor punk was possessed by George Burns or something. id hate to think the FrogMans got some medical condition but whatever his deal is he makes Marge Simpson sound like a class A crooner. get down to the drive-in and see this guy for yourself but id mind laffing at his voice in front of him because Frog also looks like hes capable of pulling a few people out of their cars and beating them into the holy hallowed Delsea dirt!
lets talk about The Prey. the long and short of The Prey is that its the only 80 minute movie that ive seen that seems to last 2 whole days. what we have is your typical 80s forest slasher ala Friday plot. kids go camping, kids get turned into ground chuck. this time we learn through exposition that our Jason type teen flayer is grown up under-sexed gypsy boy who was the sole survivor of a massive forest fire that made the rest of his gypsy band into burnt bacon. so what happens is that our burnt beast man happens upon an annoying couple right off the bat and uses an axe to turn the guys head into a flying red football and embeds the annoying girls face in a redwood. so its kinda a promising start. then we get A LOT of scenes of nature stock footage. im talking so many that youll think the VHS tape snapped and your TV kicked over to Nova on WHYY Channel 12. then more scenes of our annoying camper teens drinking beers and trying to "go all the way" in their WalMart pup tents. meanwhile theyre being watched by toasted gypsy who all we ever get to see of are black boots schleping through the huckleberry bushes. oh we also got a forest ranger potential hero type who downs mass quantities of Coors, tells terrible jokes to deer, and has that kinda facial hair that makes him look like he'd really rather a career in pediatrics and not for medical reasons if you know what i mean. i know youre thinking already this movie sounds longer than 80 mins. after some grueling badly looped dialouge, a gratuitous telling of the Monkeys Paw tale and some more nature stock footage, beasty finally gets his boots walkin' and starts bumping off some cast members. we get one of the films few good scenes when our two chunk head buff male teens decide to go rock climbing and leave their lambchops at the campsite. now i'm no rock climber but i'm seriously doubting that suede boots and bell bottoms are proper climbing apparrel. brent and brad (i forget their names) are dangling about half way down a huge cliff when our gnarly gypsy shows up and cuts their rope so they fall to the rocks below and promptly turn into about 170lbs. of week old liverwurst stuffed into Jordache jeans. dudes out of the way, time to get to the girls. girl #1 is bashed to bits and stuffed in a woodpile. girl #2, well cooked gypsy wants her to make lil' cooked gypsies with, yuck-0!! he's in the process of dragging her off to the local Feathernest Inn when hero ranger man shows up to save the day. now we finally get our obligatory good look at the killer. friends i'm not sure where you shop when youre a murderous gypsy man child who's head looks like a well done christmas ham and you have been living in the woods for 12 years but this guy has some spiffy threads. i'm talking nice dress slacks and fitted merino wool sweater spiffy. yes wtf!? indeed. ranger man, who has been built up to be the films savior, goes toe to toe with our best dressed monster and lasts all of 4 seconds. 1 crushed spine and 1 pint of spit blood later, ham head creature man gets his sex wish and the movie ends 9 months later with the sound of a baby crying in a dark cave. i guess in the end clothes do make the monster. *1/2*
sorry but no one sheet or trailer for The Prey but the VHS box had a great tagline. "It's not human and it's got an axe!" uhhh actually IT IS human and it only has the axe for about a second in the beginning red football scene. maybe they shoulda went with "It's ugly, it's horny, and it shops at Macys!"
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