i’m talking the fundamentals people and filmakers need to get back to ’em. that’s why i can’t fully blame the remaining drive ins today. there has been a severe shortage of true drive in worthy movies over the past 10 years. that being said i’d still rather take in some big budget horror junk like The Ruins or the Prom Night remake at a drive in than see whatever cool animal of the month junk Pixar has churned out to much pussbag critical aclaim.
me and Joe Bob are only two men though and even the mightiest of the mighty drive in crusaders is a bit aged these days. so in his honor and in honor of what the drive in once was and what it should damn well return to before someone we both know has to check on just how flammable that screen is, if you know what i mean, and i think you do, i’m going to do a weekly write up of a movie that once was or deserves to be a true blood, breasts and beasts, drive in movie.
taking place in Texas, which automatically gets points from me, Silent Rage is about as good of a crossbreed of Halloween and Walking Tall that you are ever gonna see. The drive in immortal Chuck Norris is poobah sheriff of a town that has just been the scene of a double axe wacking courtesy of a nutty buddy named John Kirby. seems that John cant get the top off his perscription bottle of crazy pills and when he calls his doctor for help and gets blown off, well the neighboorhood punks dressing up in capes and yelling "shit,shit,shit" proves to be too much for him and his already fragile computer shorts out. John, who by the way looks like the lovechild of Mojo Nixon and Tom Waits, gets an axe from a chicken coupe and quickly plants it in his neighboors face and then uses it to turn another neighboor into bologna tar tar. then sheriff Chuck-O shows up with lights flashing and uses a 2x4 to beat about $250 worth of pudding out of John and locks him up. John of course escapes by snapping his cuffs and Chucks backup force promptly fills John with so much lead that his pelvis could be converted into a pencil plant. pronounced dead at the scene Johns body is then shipped off to some lab where a lot of science things start to happen. namely a few doctors pump his carcass full of some junk that looks like Grape Hi C that not only brings him back to life but makes any wound heal on his body in seconds. we are talking indestructible zombie John now. in the meantime sheriff Chuck along with his dough boy deputy are keeping busy beating the bejabbers out of a biker gang who like to spend their afternoons ransacking the town bar and slurping beer off biker broads bare breasts. Chucky no likey this kinda horseplay in his town so he basically lays waste to about forty of the undesirables including throwing one of them WHILE HE'S ON his Bultaco motorbike through the picture window. the doughy deputy opts out of any real fisticuffs and just gives the play by play of seeing his first real nekkid woman over the police radio. this nekkid woman is about the scariest thing in the picture up to this point. she shamelessly flirts with deputy Crisco-head and then shows him her things which are all covered in Barqs rootbeer tattoos and the 400lb virgin nearly blows a gasket.
thankfully it isnt too long before John Kirby is fully revived, sporting the obligatory slasher union suit and out and about stalking and snapping the necks of the doctors who were opposed to the experimental Grape Hi C deal the were doing on him. one doctor knows just how deadly and off the damn hinges John is and this prompts the films best line " i dont care if he kills 200 people, i am a scientist, not a moralist". well Mr. All Science No Morals and his assistant are both dead before the final act, John stabs one in the neck with a syringe full of acid and twists the others head off like a cap on a Coke bottle thus setting up the kick and punch show down between Chuck and the indestructible John Kirby. shoot ’em full of holes, toss him off a building, car crash with explosion and a flaming John Kirby? nope! Captain Timex aint stopping, he’s not even hurt. no sir the only thing thats taking this man down is kung freakin’ fu and of course Chuck is more than willing to oblige. we get a pretty good showdown in this one which as i said is sort of a slasher movie mixed with a karate movie. Chuck later did another one of these called Hero and the Terror in the late 80’s but of the two i think Silent Rage is the one worth the look. plenty action, some good killing and gore, excellent biker thrashing, science things, and about the most disgusting scene committed to film...Chuck in a nude love scene!!! save your popcorn bucket to barf in when that graces the screen! **1/2*
No comments:
Post a Comment