well if you're like me, and i know i am, you used to always really look forward to this time of year. the air chills, the leaves go amber then croak, you can dig your stinky red hooded sweatshirt out of the closet and plan on wearing it to local cineplex (drive-ins are usually closing round now) to see whatever horror films the old movie machine has churned out for you this halloween. only today it's more like whatever they've regurgitated onto the screens to grab a bit of that ol' consumer cash people are too willing to part with to see the same damn thing they saw last year. Saw V!? are they really up to a part V already? who paid to see II-IV? holy Christ in a sidecar friends. and let me not forget the upcoming Friday the 13th remake. three words for you all, tra-ve-sty. marcus nispel helming? didn't he already muck the Texas Chainsaw remake enough? didn't the stink bomb that was Rob Zombie's Halloween teach anyone anything? answer to these questions...heck no! the mighty dollar and the box office take for those movies was triple enough to keep the hollywood remake monsters keep on looking for stuff to do-over and rip more people off who have no clue about film nostalgia and care more about....gee what do them dullards care about? it certainly ain't the integrity of a good old fashioned, well done, ORIGINAL horror film. maybe they are too busy caring about...i'm still drawing a blank. maybe i'm the dullard.
another annoying thing about this halloween season. i'm calling you out AMC! what the hell happened to MonsterFest? you know a couple weeks of round the clock horror movies including classics like Magic and the Beast Must Die? now you've went wimp city USA on us all and bastardized the once damn cool couple weeks of MonsterFest into this pale semblance called FearFest. a measly eight days of horror movies when they aren't ramming their overblown series Mad Men and Breaking Bad down your throat every other hour. i've watched a collective eight hours of this FearFest so far and four of those hours consisted of Jeepers Creepers, TWICE!!!
TV around halloween is supposed to be enjoyable for the likes of us. i will still always sit through the immortal Carpenter film at least once a year around this time. another great thing about this time a year, at least when i was a kiddie was that you could count on coming home from begging for candy and catch a made for TV scare show on one of the major networks. in the day an age of sequels that i wouldn't take the time to beat with a stale salami and remakes that are just as wretched as taking a big bite from a beat up stale salami, i'm going back to the golden age of the made for TV horror film. the early 80's we're the bonanza jackpot for these pictures. some of them so good that i may talk about at length separately at another time when the mood hits. just to give ya'll an idea though. i'm talking Dark Night of the Scarecrow, Don't Be Afraid of the Dark, How Awful About Allen, the BBC's the Woman in Black, This House Possessed, and the grandaddy mini series Tobe Hooper's Salems' Lot. grade A horror every one of them. for now though let's talk about a nerd-0-matic weirdy Magee who mistakenly bashes a little blonde brats brains out on a sidewalk brick and then has his overbearing mother hide him out in a secret room under the staircase in their house. yeah let's talk about the made for TV semi sorta scary Bad Ronald.
so yeah, as stated our titular character, Ronald Wilby, is the garden variety high water wearing, milk out the nostrils at lunchtime, sci fi fantasy geek who nobody really likes at school. early on he tries to chat up some of the school cools at a pool party and they pretty much tell him that they would all rather ride a road cone covered in army ants then hang out with our main man Ron. on his way home some bicycle brat outta nowhere who is of course is essential to the plot starts picking on Ron and out of frustration he shoves her and well, she falls down and goes dead. you'd think our book wormy nerd would be smart enough to go to police and explain all of this but nah instead he just buries the kid which is just as well because now we have ourselves a movie. next thing is that Ron runs home and tells his mommy, played quite effectively by Kim Hunter. for all of you who aren't as geeky as Ronald Wilby and myself, Kim Hunter is widely known for playing Dr. Zira in the original Planet of the Apes films. i must admit apart from the Apes movies i've never seen Miss Hunter in anything else let alone without being all monkeyed up and in her day the woman must have been what my drunk uncle Gary would call "a stone fox". let's get back to the less attractive Ronald. his mom who clearly has a little rust on her hinges, if ya know what i mean, decides to hide Ronald in a secret room under the steps and wait for all the dead kid backlash to just "blow over". what a mom. sure enough the coppers come callin' for our missing suspect Ronnie and mom tells them he must of just ran away, ya know, "like a normal teenager". so with Ronnie spending weeks inside the secret room and conjuring up a fantasy land called Atrana to pass his time his darling mother goes for an operation and ends up getting dead. two minutes later a new family is moving into the house with Ronald still living inside the staircase. wouldn't ya know it the family has as many daughters as Ronald has peep holes drilled through out the walls he roams around behind. suddenly you start to get the impression that Ronnie isn't missing his cuckoo bird mom as much with all the new eye pie running round the joint. but it isn't long before Ronald, who is by now believing himself to be "Prince Norbet of Atrana", is literally climbing the walls and venturing out to steal hard boiled eggs and scare nosey old neighbors so sideways that they roll down concrete steps like a lincoln log and drop dead. chalk up another accidental death and one basement burial later Ron has flipped his wig so hard that kidnapping one of the girls living in his house seems an ok idea. so with an abduction and a subsequent braining of one of the girls boyfriends, Ronnie is finally getting on with being some kinda B A D. finally after he has done enough rash things for the family to catch wise and coupled with the fact that his mind is gone harder than the wind, Ronald comes crashing out of one of the walls Kool-Aid man style. everyone freaks, the cops show up and Ronald, looking dirtier than a turd at a rodeo, is hauled off to who the hell knows. Roll credits.
Bad Ronald isn't the worst way to spend 75 minutes by any means. it can also be used as a handy guide for any shy or nerdy sci fi kid who ain't all that great with the ladies and is looking to forge a new "bad boy" image that everyone knows is plain irresistible. just follow the Ronald Wilby steps and you'll be beating them off with a stick...and then burying them in the woods.
1. react with blind violence whenever you are teased, if lucky you will accidentally crush the base of someones skull and kill them.
2. HIDE THAT BODY!!! the more shallow the grave the better.
3. tell your whacked out mom about your misadventure and have her hide you in the walls of your victorian home and lie to the cops about where you are because "teenagers run away all the time". duh stupid cops!
4. have your mom die. if necessary just kill her, this will pin the needle on the bad O'meter for sure.
5. scare your nibby neighbor to death, accident style. HIDE THAT BODY!!!
6. when a new family moves into your house, STEAL THEIR GROCERIES!! i mean bad dudes gotta eat right?
7. kidnap one or more members of the new family.
8. finally, and this is imperative, when you and your dastardly deeds are finally discovered...GO OUT SWINGING!!
you too can be as bad as Bad Ronald.
Saturday
Drive-in shoot'em up and King Karloff hands out a bitch slappin' in Targets
yeah it's been awhile but life's been a bit more busy of late. please chill cheetahs and rest easy for i have been ingesting my swell share of drive-in fare. just last week i sat through an ever so sweet double dip of Breakin'2: Electric Boogaloo and the classic eco horror job Frogs. you gotta love watching a 21 year old 100lb. not yet badd ass Ice-T mc a bunch of day-glo clad mullet pop and lockers backed with moustache king Sam Elliot and a bunch of snobby southerners getting taken down by a union of cranky creepy crawlin' critters fired up about fools dumping trash in the swamps of Florida. seriously how can you not like a film whos most annoying character gets chomped to death by a snapping turtle? ah the good old days, when any animal you could think of could go icky bingo and kill you deader than Dillinger and it would make an damn entertaining movie!
speaking of things that are fun to watch kill people. snipers! the movie Targets is a fine little gem lensed in the late 60's by Peter the Last Picture Show Bogdonovich. it's basically the celluloid son of a favour owed by legend Boris Karloff to Roger "Mr. Drive-In" Corman and Peter Bogdonovich's spin on real life sniping madman Charles Whitman. story goes that Boris owed Roger a couple days worth of filming for some reason and Peter was wanting to do a movie inspired in part by the factual antics of texan Charles Whitman, who after killing his wife and mother, ascended a tower on the campus of the University of Texas and started shooting at whomever was happening by. talkin' real life horror here friends. art imitates life or whatever and all and the result in this case is Targets.
the plot is as follows. aging horror star Byron Orlok, played beautifully here by Karloff in a turn basically as HIMSELF, is wanting to retire. he's wonderfully cantankerous towards the biz and feels that it's high time to hang up his brand of outdated victorian horror. his people however want him to at least put in one final personal appearance at an LA drive-in. this works in nicely later.
meanwhile across town the mild mannered Bobby has a sweet girlfriend, doting parents and a mint Ford Mustang with a trunk full of guns that would make the A-Team envious. well for no real discernible reason he wakes up one day and shoots his wife and mom and for good measure sprays a poor delivery boys' innards all over the kitchen floor. then Bobby leaves the following note:
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:
IT IS NOW 11:40 AM. MY WIFE IS STILL ASLEEP, BUT WHEN SHE WAKES UP
I AM GOING TO KILL HER. THEN I AM GOING TO KILL MY MOTHER.
I KNOW THEY WILL GET ME, BUT THERE WILL BE MORE KILLING BEFORE I DIE.
so cool as a cucumber Bobby loads up his arsenal, stocks up on ammo and then parks himself on top of a refinery roof alongside the highway. after a few cokes and a peanut butter sandwich he figures it's time to get the ball rollin' and starts shooting at ANYONE driving by. i wanna say that these scenes are among the films most viseral and compelling. due in part to there being no score during the sequence and the actor playing Bobby's icey demeanor. you cannot help watching this and feeling a little unnerved, always a good thing if you ask me. so somehow Bobby and his shoot'em up shenanigans manage to get the attention of the police and he is forced to flee. and wouldn't you just know it, he ends up hiding out at the same drive-in where Byron Orlok is making his appearance. seeing another opportunity to pour some more hot lead on unsuspecting drive-in patrons popcorn, Bobby ends up hiding up behind the screen and sniping people through a small hole he cuts in it. after he dead eyes a guy in a phone booth, a couple making some sweet steam, a crying kids' dad, and the friggin' projectionist for crying out loud he once again garners everyones attention and a bedlam ridden mass flight from Bobby's gun sight breaks out. in the ensuing bullet flying mayhem our marksman, who has shot what seems like half of California at this point, goes that final step too far. he wings the old horror star Byron Orlok's personal assistant in the shoulder. even worse for Bobby is that a now steaming mad Orlok sees were he is hiding and with cane in hand strides right on over for a bit of the old face to face. Bobby in an awestruck panic freezes up and it ends with with old man Karloff pimp slapping Bobby into submission like he was some street walking sally a few johns short of her payout!! awesome stuff. three big stars for this more than watchable, highly enjoyable, low budget bullet parade.
speaking of things that are fun to watch kill people. snipers! the movie Targets is a fine little gem lensed in the late 60's by Peter the Last Picture Show Bogdonovich. it's basically the celluloid son of a favour owed by legend Boris Karloff to Roger "Mr. Drive-In" Corman and Peter Bogdonovich's spin on real life sniping madman Charles Whitman. story goes that Boris owed Roger a couple days worth of filming for some reason and Peter was wanting to do a movie inspired in part by the factual antics of texan Charles Whitman, who after killing his wife and mother, ascended a tower on the campus of the University of Texas and started shooting at whomever was happening by. talkin' real life horror here friends. art imitates life or whatever and all and the result in this case is Targets.
the plot is as follows. aging horror star Byron Orlok, played beautifully here by Karloff in a turn basically as HIMSELF, is wanting to retire. he's wonderfully cantankerous towards the biz and feels that it's high time to hang up his brand of outdated victorian horror. his people however want him to at least put in one final personal appearance at an LA drive-in. this works in nicely later.
meanwhile across town the mild mannered Bobby has a sweet girlfriend, doting parents and a mint Ford Mustang with a trunk full of guns that would make the A-Team envious. well for no real discernible reason he wakes up one day and shoots his wife and mom and for good measure sprays a poor delivery boys' innards all over the kitchen floor. then Bobby leaves the following note:
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:
IT IS NOW 11:40 AM. MY WIFE IS STILL ASLEEP, BUT WHEN SHE WAKES UP
I AM GOING TO KILL HER. THEN I AM GOING TO KILL MY MOTHER.
I KNOW THEY WILL GET ME, BUT THERE WILL BE MORE KILLING BEFORE I DIE.
so cool as a cucumber Bobby loads up his arsenal, stocks up on ammo and then parks himself on top of a refinery roof alongside the highway. after a few cokes and a peanut butter sandwich he figures it's time to get the ball rollin' and starts shooting at ANYONE driving by. i wanna say that these scenes are among the films most viseral and compelling. due in part to there being no score during the sequence and the actor playing Bobby's icey demeanor. you cannot help watching this and feeling a little unnerved, always a good thing if you ask me. so somehow Bobby and his shoot'em up shenanigans manage to get the attention of the police and he is forced to flee. and wouldn't you just know it, he ends up hiding out at the same drive-in where Byron Orlok is making his appearance. seeing another opportunity to pour some more hot lead on unsuspecting drive-in patrons popcorn, Bobby ends up hiding up behind the screen and sniping people through a small hole he cuts in it. after he dead eyes a guy in a phone booth, a couple making some sweet steam, a crying kids' dad, and the friggin' projectionist for crying out loud he once again garners everyones attention and a bedlam ridden mass flight from Bobby's gun sight breaks out. in the ensuing bullet flying mayhem our marksman, who has shot what seems like half of California at this point, goes that final step too far. he wings the old horror star Byron Orlok's personal assistant in the shoulder. even worse for Bobby is that a now steaming mad Orlok sees were he is hiding and with cane in hand strides right on over for a bit of the old face to face. Bobby in an awestruck panic freezes up and it ends with with old man Karloff pimp slapping Bobby into submission like he was some street walking sally a few johns short of her payout!! awesome stuff. three big stars for this more than watchable, highly enjoyable, low budget bullet parade.
Tuesday
Live from Austin, dietary drive-in totals and something crazy goin' on at the Tourist Trap
so your second favourite drive-in fiend spent a little time in the great lone star state recently. man alive it's gotten kinda hard to leave the heat, the meat, the friends and felines so i'm looking to make an extended stay there happen relatively soon.
i know youve all got the same question for me about this move. ain't it about time? how long have you been yammering about moving to Texas? to be fair i have been on the fence about it a long long time but then i found out they have hockey leagues outside of Austin and the deal as they say, was sealed. if you add that i'll be able to play hockey in a climate controlled indoor facility to the fact that Texas has the best BBQ and sweet tea in all the country, throw in the Terror Thursdays at the Alamo Drafthouse, mix in that some great friends with great cats residing there already, divide it all by me being able to handpick a monthly feature at the Kitti City Courtyard Drive-In my darn self, multiply that with some Big Red soda and it all equates to me now not knowing what i'm even talking about. i'm going to Texas! home of Buddy Holly, Joe Bob Briggs, Lance and the most drive-in locations of any state in the union.
the only problem i can foresee is plumping up like a ballpark frank in a brick oven. it's hard not to stuff your face every waking hour with all the food down there. i have a BBQ problem and i realise it but at the same time i have no dang intentions of trying to curb it. im gonna keep this part quick and say i am NOT a slob but this is what i remember ingesting during my recent 3 day stay in Austin.
1 1/2lb. barbecue burger w/fries covered in sauce
1 32oz coke
3 bottles Big Red soda
1 caesar salad (i got derailed here a bit)
1 deep dish bowl of the homemade holy guacamole
3 bottles Topo Chico
1 bottle some kinda meskin malt liquor (only bit of booze i had, just can't party no more)
1 plate Bill Miller famous BBQ (includes brisket, sausage, slaw, potato salad and beans)
approx 2 gallons of sweet tea
3 plates Salt Lick BBQ (includes brisket, sausage, ribs, slaw, potato salad, beans and cobbler)
3 buttered rolls
1 grilled Bison steak
1 grilled ear of corn
1 can Coke
1/2 rootbeer float from Amy's gender bent ice cream hut
multiple grilled asparagus tips (wait what!?)
4 bowls granola (ok things are going awry)
1 garden salad
1 choco mint lunabar (now i ate this in Houston during a layover and since it was actually delicious you can say what you want)
man i think i just suffered a phantom heart attack writing all that down. see what i mean though? i get down there for any amount of real time and it's exploding pants city! you see a mushroom cloud on the horizon this fall rest assured it was only me trying to put down one more slice of brisket at Bill Millers famous BBQ
friends lets talk Tourist Trap. what we get here is some decent teen tenderloins making stupid decisions and NOT living to regret them. nothing wrong with that! the drive-ins thrived off this kinda movie for years. i hand picked this to be shown at the Kitti City Courtyard Drive-In myself and the masses were more than pleased. it was a bit rough going at first because of some projector issues, you see our normal projector man Travis was unable to helm this one because of some imperial entanglements if you know what i mean and i think you don't. he had to work folks, on a sunday nite no less. i mean we couldnt hold it against him cause he'd already broken the Texas sabbath by declining to eat Salt Lick BBQ with us earlier in the day so hey Trav may as well go all out and friggin' work too! i kid Travis, he's got what we'd all call a "real job" that i ain't even gonna go into cause half of you would probably shoot me for associating with the cat but trust me he's a good dude. Feather Mac did a good job with the projection in his stead and we got Tourist Trap a' rollin.
we start out with some Fonzarelli lookalike dude and a trio of tube topped trollops breaking down (of course) and having none other the Chuck "Rifleman" Connors come to their aid. you all know Chuck, or maybe you don't, as the poor mans Jack Palance. now if youre saying to yourself "wait who's Jack Palance" then excuse me while i politely bury the business end of a claw hammer into your forehead! Jack Palance for all you ignoramuses is the old creepy guy from the City Slickers movies. "oh yeaaaaahhhhh, him? oh hi Cris what are you doing with that...OWWWWWW!!!" ok enough fooling about. Chuck plays kind old Mr. Slausen, the proprietor of the Lost Oasis Roadside Attraction. now right off the bat we get the feeling that Slausens tea kettle ain't on the right burner. he tells Fonz and his bimbos he's miffed about the new highway that done stole all his customers. "everyone's in a damn hurry these days! do you know why that is? 'no' yeah, me neither!" he also shows them his creeptacular menagerie of all too lifelike mannequins (now if theres anything freakier then some half hinged whackadoo shut in wearing dungaree overalls who has a collection of mannequins? you all let me know). finally Slausen warns the group to stay away from his house on the hill cause thats where his brother Davey lives and Davey is "troubled". wouldnt you just know it that when Slausen and the Fonz leave to try and fix the kids car that soon to be dead bimbo No.1 decides to disregard his kind warning and go snooping around the house that she was told two minutes before hand to stay away from. this is when we get to meet kind and playful Davey and folks i'll tell you that if his first on screen appearance isnt frightening enough to make you fire a kitten out of your cornhole then you may not have a pulse. remember when i asked what was more scary than a half hinged shut in wearing overalls who has a collection of mannequins? if you answered, his twin freakout brother Davey who wears scare you stupid Elvis/women masks, talks in a spooky voice and can control said mannequin collection and various sharp objects to make them do his murderous bidding with telekinesis? then you get the chicken dinner. Davey is a two legged nightmare and he has an odd little hang up about ensnaring wayward travelers, scaring the bejabbers out of them and then having these little parties where he ties them up and covers their faces in Bisquick instant pancake mix until their hearts go all Pop Rocks and then he can turn their dead bodies into those oh so real mannequins we see all over the Lost Oasis Roadside Attraction. good stuff here! this thing starts out as campy as anything you'll ever see but i'll be dipped in the stink and shot for smelling if this movie doesnt get under your skin and serve you some bad dreams for dessert afterwards. the Davey character alone is enough to make you think twice when you wake up and see a jacket hanging in your closet that just doesnt look quite like its just a jacket hanging in your closet. we bend the needle on the freak-meter with the mannequins, screaming wooden heads, knives in necks, axes through shoulders, arms torn off, making dead bimbos into mannequins how-to lessons, and a great scene where our final girl thinks shes put down Davey with some double barrel shotgun action. oh theres also a decent twist before twists were obligatory in these kinda movies being this was lensed in '78. if you like the original Texas Chainsaw, and you darn well better cause i know where i left that hammer then check out Tourist Trap. **1/2 close to *** from me.
no trailer, but creepdog Davey gets busy with the Bisquick pancake facin' while sporting his favourite Love Me Tender mask in this heartwarming scene.
i know youve all got the same question for me about this move. ain't it about time? how long have you been yammering about moving to Texas? to be fair i have been on the fence about it a long long time but then i found out they have hockey leagues outside of Austin and the deal as they say, was sealed. if you add that i'll be able to play hockey in a climate controlled indoor facility to the fact that Texas has the best BBQ and sweet tea in all the country, throw in the Terror Thursdays at the Alamo Drafthouse, mix in that some great friends with great cats residing there already, divide it all by me being able to handpick a monthly feature at the Kitti City Courtyard Drive-In my darn self, multiply that with some Big Red soda and it all equates to me now not knowing what i'm even talking about. i'm going to Texas! home of Buddy Holly, Joe Bob Briggs, Lance and the most drive-in locations of any state in the union.
the only problem i can foresee is plumping up like a ballpark frank in a brick oven. it's hard not to stuff your face every waking hour with all the food down there. i have a BBQ problem and i realise it but at the same time i have no dang intentions of trying to curb it. im gonna keep this part quick and say i am NOT a slob but this is what i remember ingesting during my recent 3 day stay in Austin.
1 1/2lb. barbecue burger w/fries covered in sauce
1 32oz coke
3 bottles Big Red soda
1 caesar salad (i got derailed here a bit)
1 deep dish bowl of the homemade holy guacamole
3 bottles Topo Chico
1 bottle some kinda meskin malt liquor (only bit of booze i had, just can't party no more)
1 plate Bill Miller famous BBQ (includes brisket, sausage, slaw, potato salad and beans)
approx 2 gallons of sweet tea
3 plates Salt Lick BBQ (includes brisket, sausage, ribs, slaw, potato salad, beans and cobbler)
3 buttered rolls
1 grilled Bison steak
1 grilled ear of corn
1 can Coke
1/2 rootbeer float from Amy's gender bent ice cream hut
multiple grilled asparagus tips (wait what!?)
4 bowls granola (ok things are going awry)
1 garden salad
1 choco mint lunabar (now i ate this in Houston during a layover and since it was actually delicious you can say what you want)
man i think i just suffered a phantom heart attack writing all that down. see what i mean though? i get down there for any amount of real time and it's exploding pants city! you see a mushroom cloud on the horizon this fall rest assured it was only me trying to put down one more slice of brisket at Bill Millers famous BBQ
friends lets talk Tourist Trap. what we get here is some decent teen tenderloins making stupid decisions and NOT living to regret them. nothing wrong with that! the drive-ins thrived off this kinda movie for years. i hand picked this to be shown at the Kitti City Courtyard Drive-In myself and the masses were more than pleased. it was a bit rough going at first because of some projector issues, you see our normal projector man Travis was unable to helm this one because of some imperial entanglements if you know what i mean and i think you don't. he had to work folks, on a sunday nite no less. i mean we couldnt hold it against him cause he'd already broken the Texas sabbath by declining to eat Salt Lick BBQ with us earlier in the day so hey Trav may as well go all out and friggin' work too! i kid Travis, he's got what we'd all call a "real job" that i ain't even gonna go into cause half of you would probably shoot me for associating with the cat but trust me he's a good dude. Feather Mac did a good job with the projection in his stead and we got Tourist Trap a' rollin.
we start out with some Fonzarelli lookalike dude and a trio of tube topped trollops breaking down (of course) and having none other the Chuck "Rifleman" Connors come to their aid. you all know Chuck, or maybe you don't, as the poor mans Jack Palance. now if youre saying to yourself "wait who's Jack Palance" then excuse me while i politely bury the business end of a claw hammer into your forehead! Jack Palance for all you ignoramuses is the old creepy guy from the City Slickers movies. "oh yeaaaaahhhhh, him? oh hi Cris what are you doing with that...OWWWWWW!!!" ok enough fooling about. Chuck plays kind old Mr. Slausen, the proprietor of the Lost Oasis Roadside Attraction. now right off the bat we get the feeling that Slausens tea kettle ain't on the right burner. he tells Fonz and his bimbos he's miffed about the new highway that done stole all his customers. "everyone's in a damn hurry these days! do you know why that is? 'no' yeah, me neither!" he also shows them his creeptacular menagerie of all too lifelike mannequins (now if theres anything freakier then some half hinged whackadoo shut in wearing dungaree overalls who has a collection of mannequins? you all let me know). finally Slausen warns the group to stay away from his house on the hill cause thats where his brother Davey lives and Davey is "troubled". wouldnt you just know it that when Slausen and the Fonz leave to try and fix the kids car that soon to be dead bimbo No.1 decides to disregard his kind warning and go snooping around the house that she was told two minutes before hand to stay away from. this is when we get to meet kind and playful Davey and folks i'll tell you that if his first on screen appearance isnt frightening enough to make you fire a kitten out of your cornhole then you may not have a pulse. remember when i asked what was more scary than a half hinged shut in wearing overalls who has a collection of mannequins? if you answered, his twin freakout brother Davey who wears scare you stupid Elvis/women masks, talks in a spooky voice and can control said mannequin collection and various sharp objects to make them do his murderous bidding with telekinesis? then you get the chicken dinner. Davey is a two legged nightmare and he has an odd little hang up about ensnaring wayward travelers, scaring the bejabbers out of them and then having these little parties where he ties them up and covers their faces in Bisquick instant pancake mix until their hearts go all Pop Rocks and then he can turn their dead bodies into those oh so real mannequins we see all over the Lost Oasis Roadside Attraction. good stuff here! this thing starts out as campy as anything you'll ever see but i'll be dipped in the stink and shot for smelling if this movie doesnt get under your skin and serve you some bad dreams for dessert afterwards. the Davey character alone is enough to make you think twice when you wake up and see a jacket hanging in your closet that just doesnt look quite like its just a jacket hanging in your closet. we bend the needle on the freak-meter with the mannequins, screaming wooden heads, knives in necks, axes through shoulders, arms torn off, making dead bimbos into mannequins how-to lessons, and a great scene where our final girl thinks shes put down Davey with some double barrel shotgun action. oh theres also a decent twist before twists were obligatory in these kinda movies being this was lensed in '78. if you like the original Texas Chainsaw, and you darn well better cause i know where i left that hammer then check out Tourist Trap. **1/2 close to *** from me.
no trailer, but creepdog Davey gets busy with the Bisquick pancake facin' while sporting his favourite Love Me Tender mask in this heartwarming scene.
Thursday
First trip of the season to the Delsea yay, Indy meets some aliens, ugh!
even though Joe Bob would revoke my BBQ privileges for saying so, i figured Indiana Jones and this crystal cranium nonsense would be the first drive-in worthy movie the Delsea would show this season. sadly i was right and since i had seen all prior Indy movies at the drive-in when i was younger, it was pretty much an obligation to check out the on life support Ford and Spielbergs' cash in attempt at another round of whip crackin, nazi or in this case commie smackin, Cate Blanchett awful actin, Indy-ventures. Joe Bob says "Stevie han't made a durn thing since Jaws that ain't been indoor bullstuff". i respectfully disgree cuz the Indy movies have always been great indoors or out. the trip to the Delsea was on.
TL, Webb and i jumped into Webbs imnotsurehwhatkindacaritis and tooled over the Walt, down hwy 55 and made a quick stop at Verona ice cream so i could get myself a gut wrecker of a sundae and admire their employees fingernails. these chicks are of the triple shellac-double varnish-single coat lacquer variety and they are some kinda scary. i'm telling you Freddy Krueger himself woulda puddled the cuffs in his Bugle Boys had he caught sight of these frito chip finger tips. fright show deals these Vineland girls. i'm not even gonna go into the pre-movie get down boogie woogie routine some preteen girl was putting on for her mom and everyone else who cared to watch. it was pretty funny though. i do wanna kinda talk about the food at the Delsea though. you see they'd really rather you buy food at the concession than sneak in your own. when i say really rather i mean to say you damn well better buy from them instead of sneak in your own or you may be forced to face consequences. if youre lucky you kick them a few extra bucks and they call it even. if your less lucky, ejection. if youve no luck at all, Froggy.
since Webb declined on getting any ice cream at Verona and we all played nice this time and didnt sneak any food in, we decided to be good little patrons and check out the Delsea's "extensive menu". extensive? what happened to the hot dog, fries, popcorn, soda days? do you really want to eat peirogies from a drive-in, and wtf? a "low carb chicken salad" uh does that come with leg wamers and a resistance workout band!? get the hell out of here with this stuff. i went old school thank you. bladder busting bucket of iced tea and a popcorn that i immediatley soaked down in that oh so delicious day glo yellow 10w-40 movie butter. i was set. Webb loaded up with some fries and a slice of some suspicious looking pizza. you know that kinda shady slice that looks like you could cool it down, throw it sidearm style into someones head and give'em the instant Frankenstien flat-top look so they'd pretty much know what they were being for Halloween for the rest of their lives. i mean to say pizza at a drive-in is shakey business at best. she braved it though, no troubles. TL, the smart one, forewent any concessions cause i dont know, she's smart! but for a second i may of almost had her talked into some wild cherry flavoured MnM's. yuck and O!!! so bordeline torture treatment food aside, we all had a pretty good time getting down to the Delsea for the first time this year and hope to make a go of it a bunch more in the summer of 08.
oh yeah we did see a movie too so i guess i should say a couple words about the eagerly awaited Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. here it goes..BLAME LUCAS!!
seriously were gonna have to do another Charles Bronson movie next week to take the sting off this disappointing, weak, ridiculous, Spielberg indoor bullstuff! the only great thing was The King Elvis Presley blaring over the opening credits. oh well at least we were at the drive-in.
TL, Webb and i jumped into Webbs imnotsurehwhatkindacaritis and tooled over the Walt, down hwy 55 and made a quick stop at Verona ice cream so i could get myself a gut wrecker of a sundae and admire their employees fingernails. these chicks are of the triple shellac-double varnish-single coat lacquer variety and they are some kinda scary. i'm telling you Freddy Krueger himself woulda puddled the cuffs in his Bugle Boys had he caught sight of these frito chip finger tips. fright show deals these Vineland girls. i'm not even gonna go into the pre-movie get down boogie woogie routine some preteen girl was putting on for her mom and everyone else who cared to watch. it was pretty funny though. i do wanna kinda talk about the food at the Delsea though. you see they'd really rather you buy food at the concession than sneak in your own. when i say really rather i mean to say you damn well better buy from them instead of sneak in your own or you may be forced to face consequences. if youre lucky you kick them a few extra bucks and they call it even. if your less lucky, ejection. if youve no luck at all, Froggy.
since Webb declined on getting any ice cream at Verona and we all played nice this time and didnt sneak any food in, we decided to be good little patrons and check out the Delsea's "extensive menu". extensive? what happened to the hot dog, fries, popcorn, soda days? do you really want to eat peirogies from a drive-in, and wtf? a "low carb chicken salad" uh does that come with leg wamers and a resistance workout band!? get the hell out of here with this stuff. i went old school thank you. bladder busting bucket of iced tea and a popcorn that i immediatley soaked down in that oh so delicious day glo yellow 10w-40 movie butter. i was set. Webb loaded up with some fries and a slice of some suspicious looking pizza. you know that kinda shady slice that looks like you could cool it down, throw it sidearm style into someones head and give'em the instant Frankenstien flat-top look so they'd pretty much know what they were being for Halloween for the rest of their lives. i mean to say pizza at a drive-in is shakey business at best. she braved it though, no troubles. TL, the smart one, forewent any concessions cause i dont know, she's smart! but for a second i may of almost had her talked into some wild cherry flavoured MnM's. yuck and O!!! so bordeline torture treatment food aside, we all had a pretty good time getting down to the Delsea for the first time this year and hope to make a go of it a bunch more in the summer of 08.
oh yeah we did see a movie too so i guess i should say a couple words about the eagerly awaited Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. here it goes..BLAME LUCAS!!
seriously were gonna have to do another Charles Bronson movie next week to take the sting off this disappointing, weak, ridiculous, Spielberg indoor bullstuff! the only great thing was The King Elvis Presley blaring over the opening credits. oh well at least we were at the drive-in.
Get out your Outlaw to English dictionary for the White Buffalo
it's disconcerting that here we are on our fifth review of the summer and we still have yet to go on location to the actual drive-in. The Delsea is still stinkin' and the Diamond State is still reekin'. And now we got another of those damn cutesy animal doing extreme sports turdfest films on the way. i wish i were kidding friends but you can bet your economic stimuli dough that Kung Fu Panda is gonna grace our beloved outdoor screens that were once reserved for hack and wack slashers and criminal crackin', do it yourself vigillantes. Kung Fu Panda? suddenly my idea of an animated film featuring a deejay hippo sounds as though it could go someplace. i hate to say it but i think Indy 4 is gonna end up being the first worthwhile film at the drive-in this season and that still is more an indoor blockbuster biggie that even further still doesnt come out til Memorial Day!! man, by mid-May in the good ol'days at least 895 teens had suffered on screen deaths due to someone leaving a pick axe or a tent stake laying around too long.
i'm actually going on location before too long to the great state of Texas where the drive-in is still only a threatened and not yet endangered species. hopefully the folks down in los state of uno star, which once boasted more drive-in locales than any other state, will be projecting something crass and violent up on at least one of the big boys. if not, then my friends/the indigenous population of Austin's Kitty City Courtyard Drive-In have no problem making a great go of it. my last time out there during SXSW we had about 35lbs of BBQ going while simultaneously watching a double feature of Massacre at Central High and Spies Like Us. outdoors and up on a DYI bigscreen. the Gods were smilin'!
so honestly, how did i get this far with these blogs with doing a Charles Bronson picture? Who doesnt love the guy right? You look up "ass-kicker: n-" in the dictionary and the mans arm comes out of the damn book and pistol whips you! Chuck will always be best known for the 52 movies where he'd play an urban everyman that gets pushed a little to far and before too long is killing every mugger, rapist, druggie, pusher, and mime within city limits. seriously now, Chuck would blow you away just for playing your boombox too loud or having a bad hairstyle. when he took guff, he gave out lead sandwiches and that's the way it was. but before he was the street sweepin', punk smashin', car crashin' bring 'em all on vigillante hero type, Bronson was a staple in some of the greatest western and war films of all time. in The White Buffalo he takes a break from keeping the subways safe and returns to the western genre.
Chuck takes a turn as western legend Wild Bill Hickock in this one and he is being driven mad by dreams of a deadly white buffalo. its seems that its become so common place for Bill to wake up in a cold sweat with Colts blazing from these terrible nitemares that he fears theyre slowly loosening his grip on sanity. he's made up his mind that he's going to once and for all track this albino beast down and turn him into buff burgers. Bill rolls into Cheyenne first and gets ambushed by some of General Custers men. Bill kills the hell out of all of them in about 8 seconds flat. it's almost like once these men saw that Charles Bronson was playing Bill they just knew it was marble hat time.
meanwhile Chief Crazyhorse's village is reduced to debris by our titular monster. during the monster mash Crazyhorse's child gets turned into corn beef hash courtesy of the white demons' hooves. afterwards an elder tribesman tells Crazy that he needs to stop "weaping like a young woman" and slay this evil white buffalo because if he does not his dead child's soul will only know torment and never be at peace on the "other side". Chief Mad Old also takes away Crazy's name and hangs "Worm" on him until he can exact his revenge. chilling stuff.
while this is being set up, Bill meets up with his old buddy Charlie Zane and manages to kill another dozen or so people because they "use their mouths for breakin' wind" . there is a lot of outlaw old west slang in this movie folks and all of it is pretty darn amusing and i've the feeling mostly authentic. examples: "hanging a wooden suit" on someone means killing them. a dead hooker is now "walking streets glory" because "blue whistler got her in the third eye", meaning an indian shot her in the ass. brave men are "all sand" and so forth. this movie is worth watching just for dialogue alone.
Bill and Charlie leave town on the hunt for the white spike and no sooner do they cross paths with Crazyhorse. against Charlies wishes because he's kinda an indian hating bigot, Bill defends Crazy when he's out gunned by some war whooping Crow indians. after they kill another 15 guys together they form a shakey alliance and both go on the hunt for the white buff. so then they have to kill a few more people and when the body count hits around 45 the white buffalo finally shows up to kill some horses, pee on some rocks, nearly start an avalanche, and test the mettle of Bill and Crazy's friendship. there's a standout scene in this movie that for all the films' hokeyness and it kinda being a western spin on Jaws, nearly induces tears. it's when Wild Bill explains to Crazy around a campfire meal that the indians are going to have to bend to the will of the ever expanding white nation or suffer fate at the hands of their armies. Bronson shines here and Will Sampson who plays Crazyhorse fully conveys the notion he knows this truth but despises believing it without saying a single word. Phew! we got a little serious there. back to the action. big bad buff comes in charging for a showdown in final reel and if you can look past the effect of the buffalo being a little too mechanized and being moved on a rail track, you're in for a treat. i've probably watched this movie 20 times over since first seeing it on TV one nite with my brother when i was about 7 years. you should at least see it once. old west slang, indian stomping, a star studded cast, buffalo rodeo riding, gratuitous Jack Warden as the white maned Charlie Zane, and award nominations for both Bronson and Sampson. ***. give'er a look ya sway backed shad bellies!!
i'm actually going on location before too long to the great state of Texas where the drive-in is still only a threatened and not yet endangered species. hopefully the folks down in los state of uno star, which once boasted more drive-in locales than any other state, will be projecting something crass and violent up on at least one of the big boys. if not, then my friends/the indigenous population of Austin's Kitty City Courtyard Drive-In have no problem making a great go of it. my last time out there during SXSW we had about 35lbs of BBQ going while simultaneously watching a double feature of Massacre at Central High and Spies Like Us. outdoors and up on a DYI bigscreen. the Gods were smilin'!
so honestly, how did i get this far with these blogs with doing a Charles Bronson picture? Who doesnt love the guy right? You look up "ass-kicker: n-" in the dictionary and the mans arm comes out of the damn book and pistol whips you! Chuck will always be best known for the 52 movies where he'd play an urban everyman that gets pushed a little to far and before too long is killing every mugger, rapist, druggie, pusher, and mime within city limits. seriously now, Chuck would blow you away just for playing your boombox too loud or having a bad hairstyle. when he took guff, he gave out lead sandwiches and that's the way it was. but before he was the street sweepin', punk smashin', car crashin' bring 'em all on vigillante hero type, Bronson was a staple in some of the greatest western and war films of all time. in The White Buffalo he takes a break from keeping the subways safe and returns to the western genre.
Chuck takes a turn as western legend Wild Bill Hickock in this one and he is being driven mad by dreams of a deadly white buffalo. its seems that its become so common place for Bill to wake up in a cold sweat with Colts blazing from these terrible nitemares that he fears theyre slowly loosening his grip on sanity. he's made up his mind that he's going to once and for all track this albino beast down and turn him into buff burgers. Bill rolls into Cheyenne first and gets ambushed by some of General Custers men. Bill kills the hell out of all of them in about 8 seconds flat. it's almost like once these men saw that Charles Bronson was playing Bill they just knew it was marble hat time.
meanwhile Chief Crazyhorse's village is reduced to debris by our titular monster. during the monster mash Crazyhorse's child gets turned into corn beef hash courtesy of the white demons' hooves. afterwards an elder tribesman tells Crazy that he needs to stop "weaping like a young woman" and slay this evil white buffalo because if he does not his dead child's soul will only know torment and never be at peace on the "other side". Chief Mad Old also takes away Crazy's name and hangs "Worm" on him until he can exact his revenge. chilling stuff.
while this is being set up, Bill meets up with his old buddy Charlie Zane and manages to kill another dozen or so people because they "use their mouths for breakin' wind" . there is a lot of outlaw old west slang in this movie folks and all of it is pretty darn amusing and i've the feeling mostly authentic. examples: "hanging a wooden suit" on someone means killing them. a dead hooker is now "walking streets glory" because "blue whistler got her in the third eye", meaning an indian shot her in the ass. brave men are "all sand" and so forth. this movie is worth watching just for dialogue alone.
Bill and Charlie leave town on the hunt for the white spike and no sooner do they cross paths with Crazyhorse. against Charlies wishes because he's kinda an indian hating bigot, Bill defends Crazy when he's out gunned by some war whooping Crow indians. after they kill another 15 guys together they form a shakey alliance and both go on the hunt for the white buff. so then they have to kill a few more people and when the body count hits around 45 the white buffalo finally shows up to kill some horses, pee on some rocks, nearly start an avalanche, and test the mettle of Bill and Crazy's friendship. there's a standout scene in this movie that for all the films' hokeyness and it kinda being a western spin on Jaws, nearly induces tears. it's when Wild Bill explains to Crazy around a campfire meal that the indians are going to have to bend to the will of the ever expanding white nation or suffer fate at the hands of their armies. Bronson shines here and Will Sampson who plays Crazyhorse fully conveys the notion he knows this truth but despises believing it without saying a single word. Phew! we got a little serious there. back to the action. big bad buff comes in charging for a showdown in final reel and if you can look past the effect of the buffalo being a little too mechanized and being moved on a rail track, you're in for a treat. i've probably watched this movie 20 times over since first seeing it on TV one nite with my brother when i was about 7 years. you should at least see it once. old west slang, indian stomping, a star studded cast, buffalo rodeo riding, gratuitous Jack Warden as the white maned Charlie Zane, and award nominations for both Bronson and Sampson. ***. give'er a look ya sway backed shad bellies!!
Drive-in denizens and praying The Prey would just end
there arent a lot of you out there that have been to the Delsea with me. it's a short list of friends who actually own cars that i could badger into driving an hour outside of Philadelphia to enjoy some fine outdoor entertainment. the actual movies are sometimes incidental especially since they dont make good goddamn drive-in movies anymore but it's the experience friends. sitting in your own car doing whatever you want, i mean WHATEVER you want, with no people yammering, mobile phones blasting Gwen Stefani ringtones or some 60lb. punk kicking the back of your seat and making you wanna turn his head into Mott's applesauce.
for those of you that have gone with me i wanna remind you and tell everyone else about Froggy. Froggy is a ticket booth worker at the Delsea. normal looking kid of i'm guessing round 20-22 years. im not sure of Froggy's actual christian name but it doesnt matter cause when this cat opens his mouth and starts telling you what station to tune your FM to..., im telling you this kid has a voice on him that makes Lawrence Tierney's voice sound like a slice of chocolate mousse laid on a black silk pillow. i mean Froggy must eat Grape Nuts dry and then wash it down with a broken glass and gravel malt shake before cutting the ends off of a pack of Pal Mals and smoking all twenty in a single shot. it's alarming but when this coffin dodger voice comes out of this kids body you'd like to think the poor punk was possessed by George Burns or something. id hate to think the FrogMans got some medical condition but whatever his deal is he makes Marge Simpson sound like a class A crooner. get down to the drive-in and see this guy for yourself but id mind laffing at his voice in front of him because Frog also looks like hes capable of pulling a few people out of their cars and beating them into the holy hallowed Delsea dirt!
lets talk about The Prey. the long and short of The Prey is that its the only 80 minute movie that ive seen that seems to last 2 whole days. what we have is your typical 80s forest slasher ala Friday plot. kids go camping, kids get turned into ground chuck. this time we learn through exposition that our Jason type teen flayer is grown up under-sexed gypsy boy who was the sole survivor of a massive forest fire that made the rest of his gypsy band into burnt bacon. so what happens is that our burnt beast man happens upon an annoying couple right off the bat and uses an axe to turn the guys head into a flying red football and embeds the annoying girls face in a redwood. so its kinda a promising start. then we get A LOT of scenes of nature stock footage. im talking so many that youll think the VHS tape snapped and your TV kicked over to Nova on WHYY Channel 12. then more scenes of our annoying camper teens drinking beers and trying to "go all the way" in their WalMart pup tents. meanwhile theyre being watched by toasted gypsy who all we ever get to see of are black boots schleping through the huckleberry bushes. oh we also got a forest ranger potential hero type who downs mass quantities of Coors, tells terrible jokes to deer, and has that kinda facial hair that makes him look like he'd really rather a career in pediatrics and not for medical reasons if you know what i mean. i know youre thinking already this movie sounds longer than 80 mins. after some grueling badly looped dialouge, a gratuitous telling of the Monkeys Paw tale and some more nature stock footage, beasty finally gets his boots walkin' and starts bumping off some cast members. we get one of the films few good scenes when our two chunk head buff male teens decide to go rock climbing and leave their lambchops at the campsite. now i'm no rock climber but i'm seriously doubting that suede boots and bell bottoms are proper climbing apparrel. brent and brad (i forget their names) are dangling about half way down a huge cliff when our gnarly gypsy shows up and cuts their rope so they fall to the rocks below and promptly turn into about 170lbs. of week old liverwurst stuffed into Jordache jeans. dudes out of the way, time to get to the girls. girl #1 is bashed to bits and stuffed in a woodpile. girl #2, well cooked gypsy wants her to make lil' cooked gypsies with, yuck-0!! he's in the process of dragging her off to the local Feathernest Inn when hero ranger man shows up to save the day. now we finally get our obligatory good look at the killer. friends i'm not sure where you shop when youre a murderous gypsy man child who's head looks like a well done christmas ham and you have been living in the woods for 12 years but this guy has some spiffy threads. i'm talking nice dress slacks and fitted merino wool sweater spiffy. yes wtf!? indeed. ranger man, who has been built up to be the films savior, goes toe to toe with our best dressed monster and lasts all of 4 seconds. 1 crushed spine and 1 pint of spit blood later, ham head creature man gets his sex wish and the movie ends 9 months later with the sound of a baby crying in a dark cave. i guess in the end clothes do make the monster. *1/2*
sorry but no one sheet or trailer for The Prey but the VHS box had a great tagline. "It's not human and it's got an axe!" uhhh actually IT IS human and it only has the axe for about a second in the beginning red football scene. maybe they shoulda went with "It's ugly, it's horny, and it shops at Macys!"
for those of you that have gone with me i wanna remind you and tell everyone else about Froggy. Froggy is a ticket booth worker at the Delsea. normal looking kid of i'm guessing round 20-22 years. im not sure of Froggy's actual christian name but it doesnt matter cause when this cat opens his mouth and starts telling you what station to tune your FM to..., im telling you this kid has a voice on him that makes Lawrence Tierney's voice sound like a slice of chocolate mousse laid on a black silk pillow. i mean Froggy must eat Grape Nuts dry and then wash it down with a broken glass and gravel malt shake before cutting the ends off of a pack of Pal Mals and smoking all twenty in a single shot. it's alarming but when this coffin dodger voice comes out of this kids body you'd like to think the poor punk was possessed by George Burns or something. id hate to think the FrogMans got some medical condition but whatever his deal is he makes Marge Simpson sound like a class A crooner. get down to the drive-in and see this guy for yourself but id mind laffing at his voice in front of him because Frog also looks like hes capable of pulling a few people out of their cars and beating them into the holy hallowed Delsea dirt!
lets talk about The Prey. the long and short of The Prey is that its the only 80 minute movie that ive seen that seems to last 2 whole days. what we have is your typical 80s forest slasher ala Friday plot. kids go camping, kids get turned into ground chuck. this time we learn through exposition that our Jason type teen flayer is grown up under-sexed gypsy boy who was the sole survivor of a massive forest fire that made the rest of his gypsy band into burnt bacon. so what happens is that our burnt beast man happens upon an annoying couple right off the bat and uses an axe to turn the guys head into a flying red football and embeds the annoying girls face in a redwood. so its kinda a promising start. then we get A LOT of scenes of nature stock footage. im talking so many that youll think the VHS tape snapped and your TV kicked over to Nova on WHYY Channel 12. then more scenes of our annoying camper teens drinking beers and trying to "go all the way" in their WalMart pup tents. meanwhile theyre being watched by toasted gypsy who all we ever get to see of are black boots schleping through the huckleberry bushes. oh we also got a forest ranger potential hero type who downs mass quantities of Coors, tells terrible jokes to deer, and has that kinda facial hair that makes him look like he'd really rather a career in pediatrics and not for medical reasons if you know what i mean. i know youre thinking already this movie sounds longer than 80 mins. after some grueling badly looped dialouge, a gratuitous telling of the Monkeys Paw tale and some more nature stock footage, beasty finally gets his boots walkin' and starts bumping off some cast members. we get one of the films few good scenes when our two chunk head buff male teens decide to go rock climbing and leave their lambchops at the campsite. now i'm no rock climber but i'm seriously doubting that suede boots and bell bottoms are proper climbing apparrel. brent and brad (i forget their names) are dangling about half way down a huge cliff when our gnarly gypsy shows up and cuts their rope so they fall to the rocks below and promptly turn into about 170lbs. of week old liverwurst stuffed into Jordache jeans. dudes out of the way, time to get to the girls. girl #1 is bashed to bits and stuffed in a woodpile. girl #2, well cooked gypsy wants her to make lil' cooked gypsies with, yuck-0!! he's in the process of dragging her off to the local Feathernest Inn when hero ranger man shows up to save the day. now we finally get our obligatory good look at the killer. friends i'm not sure where you shop when youre a murderous gypsy man child who's head looks like a well done christmas ham and you have been living in the woods for 12 years but this guy has some spiffy threads. i'm talking nice dress slacks and fitted merino wool sweater spiffy. yes wtf!? indeed. ranger man, who has been built up to be the films savior, goes toe to toe with our best dressed monster and lasts all of 4 seconds. 1 crushed spine and 1 pint of spit blood later, ham head creature man gets his sex wish and the movie ends 9 months later with the sound of a baby crying in a dark cave. i guess in the end clothes do make the monster. *1/2*
sorry but no one sheet or trailer for The Prey but the VHS box had a great tagline. "It's not human and it's got an axe!" uhhh actually IT IS human and it only has the axe for about a second in the beginning red football scene. maybe they shoulda went with "It's ugly, it's horny, and it shops at Macys!"
Warren Oates declares hippies and satanists to be "the same damn thing" in Race With the Devil
Folks, saying satanists are scary is an understatement. wildly tenacious satanists are even worse. still more terrible are wildly tenacious satanists that have networking capability and will stop at nothing to track you across Texas in order to keep you from squealing on them after you mistakenly happened upon them dancing naked by a bonfire in the moonlight and subsequently turning a blond cupcake into shish ka bob to appease their evil underlord! this is pretty much the set up for a movie made of totally awesome called Race with the Devil. Warren Oates and Peter Fonda are two motorcycling buddies who are RVing across Texas en route to a ski trip getaway. with them are their motorcycle bunnies played by Loretta "Hot Lips Houlihan" Switt and Lara Parker. along the way they stop off, get sauced and happen to witness a gang of jolly old devil worshipers having their spring fling and sacrificing a naked girl. they are discovered spying and high tail it out of their with the salty satanists in hot pursuit. they tell the local sheriff played by drive-in staple R.G. Armstrong and his deputy who he calls "Booger" but they don't really seem to give a couple of cold cow flops about some outsiders "claiming" they saw a murder. hmmm interesting. from here on we get some great grade A stuff. our gang rolls from one small town to the next under watchful eyes at every damn stop. this movie really starts to give you the impression that every person living in Texas is a satanist! which come to think of it, may be totally true. these devil bastards are all heart and no quit and they stealthily follow our gang the whole time, putting snakes in their RV, strangling the snausages out of their cute dog, leering at the two women in a swimming pool, and leaving them creepy witchcraft warning messages. it's only when the the satanists sabotage their Bultaco motorbikes that Warren and Peter finally have their fill of these old scratch loving loonies and spend some of their traveling dough on a shotgun. i wanna note that this movie contains a scene which shows and explains exactly how to modify a pump action 12 gauge shotgun to make it very illegally hold five rounds instead of three. yeah i told you this movie was made of awesome! now with shotguns and very bad attitudes to match, our main characters are looking for just one more reason from the pesky devil dogs to go on the offensive and whoop some evil ass. the offensive comes in a climactic car chase pitting the RV against a fleet of satanic stunt drivers in tubbed out sedans. we get shotgun blasts to a fat devil worshiper, motorcycle flinging, cars driving on two wheels Hazzard County style, exploding trucks off bridges, a satanic school bus, one hellacious car crash roll over where the car flips approximately 482 times, seriously i did lose count, low bridge to satanist face, extremely dry martini making, more explosions, falling dummy deaths, hung pets, ski pole rattlesnake thumping, a satanic country and western band with a Harvey Keitel look a like playing a mean steel guitar, and finally a wonderful less than upbeat ending. let me just say you cannot stop these satanic sons of bitches, you can only hope to contain them. *** and a definite must see! check out the trailer here
see you next week and remember, never "trust a school bus on a Sunday!"
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